This is not America.

Before you have a two-year-old, you think you have some idea of what this age involves:  epic public meltdowns, a proliferation of the word "no," and repeatedly counting to three.  But no one warns you about the root cause of all this friction -- the completely irrational, almost always absurd reasons the kid is crying in the first place.  Sure, there is the understandable freak out about the vegetables you're making them eat or the bedtime you're enforcing.  But until you have a two-year-old, there is no way you could ever anticipate igniting a firestorm by offering ice cream or explaining that we eat turkey on Thanksgiving.

There is a whole hysterical blog (Reasons My Son is Crying) devoted to these irrational freak outs, almost none of which I would've believed a year ago.  But, boy oh boy, do I believe them now.  It takes crafty negotiation skills to go head-to-head with a little person who is pissed about not being allowed to eat chicken fingers for breakfast.  To add to the Reasons My Son is Crying (Barasz Edition), here are some recent favorites...

• I told him his middle name is Charles. 
• What he heard:  "Your middle name is Saddam."
• I told him that "ka-wear-us" is actually pronounced "hil-ar-ious"
• What he heard:  "Eliza is my favorite child."
• I wouldn't let him out of his high chair to "go clean the whole house" (no joke) until he finished eating his lunch.
• What he heard:  "You're not allowed to eat your lunch until you go clean the whole house."
• I suggested we have lunch at Panera.
• What he heard:  "Santa's not real."

One favorite "Reason My Son is Crying" moment came yesterday after a prolonged battle over a shirt selection.  (Clip below.)  Stupidly, I offered Owen a choice between his gray train shirt and a red striped shirt.  (Total rookie mistake.)  He'd already spent 20 minutes melting down after finding out he could not wear them both simultaneously, when Aaron told him he had to wear the train shirt (period, amen) because this is America and Daddy said so.  Talk about fuel on fire.

This. Is. Not. America.  !!!!!!!!!

Shouldn't all diplomatic training involve being locked away with a toddler for a week?  It seems like Kim Jong Un might have a lot in common with a hungry 2-year-old.